If she had the proper words to say,

We've actually been back for about a week now, having arrived around 9pm on Tuesday night, the 10th. However, my parents stayed for an extra few days, and they didn't leave until Saturday after lunch. Then, I set to work reclaiming and organizing my home, as well as putting away all new trip goodies and such.

I got my first speeding ticket a few hours from home. We'd been in my parents' new SUV the entire trip, and it was the first time I was driving it. Not only that, but it was in middle-of-nowhere North Dakota, and there hadn't been a posted speed limit in a long, long time (my mom and I had been looking for one). It was a two-lane road (which I hate, as it scares me to pass), and I had been stuck behind a semi-truck for miles. I would peek to the left, then scoot back to my lane when I could see a car on the horizon. Finally - finally! - I dared to pass, and I floored it as I did. (It terrifies me to pass big trucks, but even moreso when I'm on a two-lane road. In fact, I'm pretty sure this was my very first time doing so EVER.) And, BAM! A cop sitting just at the end of the horizon clocked me going 83mph. Of course, though the speed limit most places in North Dakota is 70 or 75, in this zone it was only 65mph. As the officer approached the car, I couldn't even figure out how to roll down the window! (Remember, it wasn't my vehicle.) He was a nice guy though, and he dropped the speed to 80/65, so my fine was only $45 instead of something outrageous.

He also cautioned me that, when passing, I should never have to exceed the speed limit to safely do so. Riiiiiiight.

I received a request for impromptu family portraits for a friend here on the last day of our vacation (as we were driving home, in fact), so I squeezed that in while my parents were here. I met them at a park in town and took some lovely portraits. It was a fun evening, and I hope to get back there soon with my boys. I know they would love the place!


(To see the rest of the photos from the Mott/Vance Family set, click HERE.)

The boys start school next week on Thursday, the 26th, and two days ago we headed into town to pick up all the school supplies, new shoes, etc. Their backpacks are set and ready-to-go, and now we just wait for the teacher lists to go up and orientation night (to drop off all the supplies). A.J.'s middle school supply list had some unexpected things on it: Silly Putty, camo pants, and a black T-Shirt, to name a few. I'm curious to see how these things are used during the year.

The morning after we arrived home, I took my parents to the commissary for a quick shop of just the three nights' worth of meals while they were here. As always, they found several goodies and deals in our commissary that they stocked up on. After they left, I was set to meal-plan and create a list for the next 18 days... and I just didn't have the *oooomph*, ya know? I was dragging and procrastinating, and I jokingly wrote on Facebook that I was too exhausted to think about dinner. The next thing I knew, my neighbor across the street showed up with a hot, fresh meatloaf for our entire family! I threw together corn, side salads, and fresh strawberries, and we were set! It was very awesome and very sweet of her to do that for our family. :-)

The boys have played nonstop with their friends since arriving back home. A.J.'s closest friend is a boy entering high school this year, and the two of them cruise the neighborhood on foot, walking and talking for hours. Jack and his best bud are scooter fanatics, and they are inseparable. Currently, in fact, I can hear Jack and his friend Riley singing the Indiana Jones theme song while they build with LEGOs in my basement. Thank you, John Williams, for an endearing classic. *wink*

Two nights ago, I puttered around in the office, knocking out a couple of chick flicks while Philip was at work. I watched The Women and The Prince & Me 3: The Royal Honeymoon (I *know*. It went direct to DVD, I think, if that's any indication. Still, I'm a sucker for that movie series, and it was total fluff.)

The next night, Tuesday, the boys and I worked non-stop for HOURS on their valentine boxes for school. When they arrived off the bus, I took them straight to the BX to pick out supplies. From there, we rushed to Jack's soccer practice, and then back to the BX for the actual valentines (how did we forget those the first time? Honestly!) We came home, and got down to business. Between coats of paint, they wrote out all their valentines, then bagged them up with candy. We'd not been able to find treat bags of any sort, so they used sandwich baggies that they decorated with valentine stickers. Seriously, they went to bed sooooo late that night, and even then, the boxes were only 1/3 finished, but no more could be done until the paint dried more. Later, I felt more tired, and I headed to bed at the early time of 1am, taking with me my new book. Hang on - I haven't written about that here...

Marissa and I first saw the trailer for Dear John several months back, while at the midnight premiere of New Moon. We saw it before subsequent viewings too, and each time, we remarked on how good it looked. She read the book a while back. The weekend before last, we were talking about it again over the phone, and she asked me if I read the book. I told her I still hadn't, and she asked me if I'd like her to mail me her copy. "Sure!" I replied. The next afternoon, she called to let me know that the book would be here Saturday or Monday.

On Monday, I received a package from Amazon.com. I'd been expecting one myself for some things I'd ordered, so I didn't open it until much, much later in the evening. When I finally did, I was thinking, "I don't think this is a big enough mailer..." But it was! It was because it was my own brand-new copy of Dear John, and Marissa had ordered it and had Amazon send it straight to me! Such a sneaky gal, she was!

So... since I was felt more tired, I decided to curl up in bed and read just a chapter or two to "wet my whistle" for reading it the next day. Wrong-O! At 5:30am, I closed the book, having finished it in its entirety instead. It was a good read, and I've got some thoughts swirling on it. I think I'll probably put those down in my paper journal, though.

So I slept for a bit, then got the boys off to school, and then I went back to bed. I got up for the day around 12:45, intending to head to the commissary for our bi-weekly grocery shopping (Philip had gotten home after PT around 9am, crawling straight into bed). While I was in the bathroom, the doorbell rang. (I didn't hear it, as the bathroom heater runs too loudly.) Philip did, and he threw on clothes and answered the door. It was a neighbor woman that I'd not met when delivering treats to the block a few weeks back, as only her husband had answered the door (he'd told me they were all down with the flu, and after I handed him the baked goodies, I came home and scrubbed LAYERS of skin off my hands, just to be safe!). I had told her husband to have her come by sometime when she felt better to chat, and that's exactly what she was doing. Philip ran upstairs to let me know, and I hurriedly dressed in the bathroom and came down.

It was an awkward start, and she saw my house in a state of disarray. There were painted objects all across the table, wire bits littering around them, and the entire "craft bin" was open and picked through on the bench in the dining room (we'd used markers, pens, wire cutters, paper, paintbrushes, tape, staples, etc). In the living room, both of the fluffy blankets we use for cuddling on the couches to stay warm were still out, having not been folded and put in the end table at the close of the evening. I had dishes in the sink - oh, it was just awful! Despite that, she and her 14-month-old were very, very kind, and we chatted for about three hours in the living room - even a little past the time that the boys arrived home on the school bus! Her little one conked out for a nap on the couch for a few hours of that, just so sweet. I was SO glad she stopped by, too. I mean, you tell people to drop by anytime, but it seems like they hardly ever do, you know? Especially when you've not yet met them!

I love how great the response has been since the boys and I delivered all those goodies. I baked for four days straight (I called it my "delayed holiday baking," since it was in January), and then the boys and I spent an entire afternoon delivering big trays of goodies to every single inhabited house on our block (eleven total). It was very, very cold and windy, and we had to come back after every third house to grab more trays, but it was so fun. Included with each tray, I had written our names, address, and telephone numbers on a card, and I let each family know to call if they ever needed anything. Everyone was so welcoming, and we were invited into so many homes for a bit of chatting. The boys took off their shoes in each house and immediately disappeared with the kids of that family. I'd been nervous about it being a Saturday afternoon, but since it was so very cold, every single family was home - amazing! I also learned that our entire block is new, as the earliest family here only just moved in at the end of October. We're all newbies, so we ALL needed welcoming. :-)

Once the boys were settled from school, we dug straight back into our crafting. We finished more "steps" yesterday, as there wasn't so much painting to do. Still, it's not a crafting afternoon until I have to clean wet, red paint (A.J.) off my wooden dining room floors, right? We worked for hours, stopping only to head into town to try a new Chinese restaurant for dinner (we were missing fresh lettuce and tomato for the planned meal, and the commissary had already closed). The food was great, and we were all stuffed when we returned home, going back to work.

I took pictures of the finished boxes this morning, and then I drove the boys to school. We didn't want to risk anything being crushed on the bus, and now they're good for tomorrow's valentine parties. :-)

Meanwhile, I ended up not grocery-shopping yesterday, so I'm headed to the commissary in a little bit. Philip is testing today, and then he may have weapons firing later this afternoon. Jack's got another game tonight, and it's his day to bring refreshments. I'm going to be so ready to curl up for a movie tonight with Philip - I need to relax! We watched The Taking of Pelham 123 (the newer one) a few nights ago, but tonight, I'm feeling more like a rom-com. :-)

Upon hooking up to the 'net in our TLF, I saw in my email that "I" had been tagged in four photos by our next-door neighbor back in Bellevue. I saw that the pics were of our old house covered in snowdrifts, and that our neighbor girl, Natalie, was at our door. I called Jack to the computer to see, and he was looking over my shoulder. We read the captions together:

1) Natalie wanted to show Nicole their old house. (of Natalie trudging through drifts in our driveway to get to the front door)

2) "I wish Jack and AJ really could come and play." (almost to the door then)

3) Ding dong. :-( (of her ringing our old doorbell)

And that's where Jack turned, and I spotted the tears in his eyes. Within minutes, he was full-on crying, saying and wishing that we didn't have to move. Philip and I both tried to console him, but his heart is a bit broken right now. Finally, I got him to come around by showing him a special, funny postcard that I had purchased *just* tonight *just* for mailing to our friends. He got a smile out of writing a special message on it, and we'll stick it in the mail tomorrow.

We miss our friends! :-(

It's 8:45am, and I can hear my neighbor's music. I can hear my neighbor's LOUD music. Not only can I hear it, I can clearly make out the words. It's Laurie Berkner's "Victor Vito," and if you know her songs at all, you know that many of them have the same beats. Still, there is no doubt as to which song they're playing, since it is so loud you can clearly hear, "Oh, Victor Vito and Freddy Vasco moved from El Cerito all the way to Alaska..."

I suppose it's better than late-night porn, right? *cue 'bom-chicka-bom-bom' music*

Is the rest of the equation so hard to learn?

It's funny how the neighbors hate me so much, yet they need to use my yard to have fun. I know that my swingset is a major attraction in the neighborhood and my grass is soft, fluffy and fertilized (I suppose that's why their dog keeps running away and coming here)... but really.

294-6110. A handy number to know if you've got people that won't stay off your property.

I'm sorry, guys. I know you're all wondering what the heck is going on.

I took some headache medicine and I caved into bed last night around 10:45pm - very early for me. My head was decidedly splitting open from all of the tears. Jack woke up sometime during the night, but I got him right back to bed.

The alarm went off as usual at 7:45am this morning. I stumbled out of bed and into the bathroom. While in there, all of the feelings, worry, thoughts and pain from yesterday came flooding back, and I found myself drowning in tears again while sitting on the toilet.

I feel so helpless. A.J. is hurt, and there just seems to be so little that I can do to help him - though, believe me, I've already started on the path of trying everything I know to.

I scheduled an appointment for tomorrow morning at 9am, just after I drop off Jack for preschool. It is Step 1, and I hope that it lends so much help to this very serious situation.

Annie came over around 11:30am. She came straight from class, and she'd not been online in the past day or so. We'd had plans to go plant-shopping this afternoon, but before we could leave the house, Maria dropped by just to give me hugs and cry a little more. She was the ONLY one who knew everything then, and I couldn't go through it all over again with Annie right then, as I didn't want to start bawling again in front of Jack.

So we ate lunch, and we plant-shopped. Annie had such a look of worry on her face the whole time, just waiting until the moment where I could begin to tell her what has happened. We picked up A.J. from school, and we all stopped for ice creams. Once we were finally home and the boys were happily playing on the swingset, I sat down with Annie at the picnic table, and I told her all of the very painful situation.

We cried more. I even had a handtowel with me to catch the tears.

During this time, the neighbor's little dog appeared around the corner. After a few minutes, he ventured over into our yard, and I realized that no one probably knew where he was at the moment. Just as Annie and I stood up to catch him, the little dog ran up to Jack. My kids are usually frightened of dogs at the first instance, and it takes them knowing ahead of time that the dog isn't going to hurt them to reassure them. However, a dog out of the blue was scaring Jack to death. Once he got spooked, he took off running across the yard. The little dog thought this meant he was playing, so he just kept running after him and jumping up on him. Finally, Annie caught the dog, and I carried it back over to the neighbor.

I'm sure I was a sight. I'd been crying for quite some time, never mind the build-up of tears on my face since yesterday. I tried not to make eye contact, and I just handed the dog over and said, "He was jumping on the kids." I turned around and walked back to my yard.

We stayed outside for just a bit more, until Annie and I could finish talking. I was shaking from the emotional aspects of it all, and I was freezing cold to boot, so we came in. We talked more while I was making dinner. After dinner, Annie left and the boys and I drove to Heather's house to take care of her kitties for the night.

Now they're all tucked in bed, and I've got a phone call to return. I've not gotten to speak to Philip yet, so he's still just as in-the-dark as you all. I do need your help, and I do need your advice, and your prayers have been wonderful already. I've received text messages on my cell phone, I've received voice mail messages. I've received answering machine messages. I've received numerous emails. Thank you, thank you - thank you all. I'd be lost without you.

If you are interested in being on a special filter for this situation, please comment here and let me know. You are certainly not *required* to be a part of this, and there will be no hard feelings if you don't want to be. But if you are, and you can just continue to be there for A.J., for me, for our whole family - I'd greatly appreciate it. *hugs you all*

Edited to add: - I do not know when I may actually be able to *speak* in person to anyone about this. Right now, I'm still a blubbering mess. Therefore, if you do not have a journal, and you are wanting to read this, please let me know, and I'll see what I can do.

I know, I know. It's self-torture to keep on reading some of their journals, especially when all they kept doing was bashing us. But now it's apparent that Jo Ann has deleted her journal. Not only that, but she's also gotten Stephanie to delete hers as well. As of right now, their friend Haley has been left out of the loop... but I'm sure they'll inform her of everything and that she'll also be gone pretty soon. Just wait.

The thing is, WHY did they need to delete their journals? Jo Ann's user info page used to state that her journal was there "so that friends and family back home could read and enjoy." How does deleting it help them in any way? I wish it were more along the lines of something that Heather brought up - that the two of them finally realized that there was nothing that their families would enjoy reading about in their journals, nothing that wasn't about us or a dig at us in some way, nothing that they would have been proud of - but I highly doubt that. I don't think the two of them think along these lines.

I think that Jo Ann especially did not like being caught doing something wrong. And even though she's not on my friends' list and I'm not on hers, you can bet money that she still reads everything I post. And in my posts, I have stuff spelling out the entire true story, unfavorable stuff that links right to her and her friends. And that makes her "uncomfortable." So she's run away again. And she's going to convince her friends to do the same.

Maybe they'll stay away from LJ for good. Maybe they'll all come up with new usernames later on (which would prove that they ARE trying to run away from the truth). Who knows? I just have to wonder why people who are as innocent as they all claim to be have to run away in the first place, you know?

I went to the gym this afternoon. Right as I was leaving, Philip was finishing up watering the rose bush, and then he planned to come inside and take a shower. He told A.J. not to open the doors for anyone and stressed to him that he'd locked them for while he was in the shower.

So you all know by now that I severed ties completely with Jo Ann. Her and all of her "groupies." It's been a nasty week around here, though quite passive-aggressive on Jo Ann's part. Instead, she has her two new best buds ( Stephanie and Haley) trashing me in their brand-new journals, while she just laughs it up. And that's fine. They can all have each other.

In the meantime, Jo Ann's been - apparently - going through all of the baby clothes I ever gave her so that she could give them all back. And I'd told her in my last communication with her that we'd find anything if she put it on the doorknob or by the doors. But that's not what happened.

Philip's in the shower. I'm at the gym. The doorbell rings. A.J. hears it, and checks the front door. No one's there. He checks the back door. Jo Ann's husband Perry is there. A.J. tells him the door is locked, and that he's not allowed to let in ANYONE in. Perry holds up the bag of clothes and says something like, "It's okay. I'm only bringing you these clothes. You know me - it's me, Perry! Open the door and let me give these to you."

And eventually talks A.J. into opening the door. Now Perry knows that we NEVER used to lock our doors. He knows that we were betrayed by him and Jo Ann, and he surely was able to come to the conclusion that we now lock our doors because of THEM. (Everybody used to be allowed to come and go freely in our house.) He HEARD A.J. tell him that he wasn't allowed to open the doors for ANYONE. Yet he continued to coax my child into opening the door for him.

A.J.? Bless him. He's almost 6 years old, but he is definitely still a child. Not only that, this is an adult he had known he could trust. Heck, we ALL once thought we could trust Jo Ann and Perry.

When I returned home from the gym, I walked past the washer/dryer to hang up my purse in the office. I noticed a plastic bag full of something. I asked Philip what it was. He had no clue, and he thought I'd put it there before I'd left for the gym. I said no, and I went to see what it was. As soon as I opened it, I recognized all of the little outfits I'd given Jo Ann of the boys' old clothes. And knew immediately where the bag had come from.

I was angry at first, thinking that Philip had forgotten and left the doors unlocked as we did before, and that Jo Ann or Perry had just walked into our house and put the bag on the washer. Philip said no, he'd definitely locked them, AND he'd made it very clear to A.J. NOT to let ANYONE in.

Now, granted, I suppose we should have told A.J. exactly who we didn't want let in the house, besides strangers. But we never intended to drag the kids through all of this crap, you know? It didn't seem necessary.

Philip asked A.J. if he'd let anyone in. He said no, he hadn't. Misunderstanding A.J.'s answer, Philip asked him again, seeing as how we had the bag of clothes, which meant that SOMEONE had been let in. A.J. said, "No, Perry brought them, but I didn't let him come inside." We continued asking questions until we got the very clear story above.

We. Were. Angry. He basically tricked our child into opening the door for him, and he could have just as easily left the bag sitting on the porch.

We told A.J. he couldn't let ANYONE in the house from now on. No one except Ms. Heather. (Sorry, Annie and Maria, but we figured it was easiest to just have A.J. remember that one person.) NO ONE else. A.J. was - understandably - confused, considering that he knew Perry and Jo Ann were friends.

Philip told A.J. this: "Perry and Jo Ann and Stephanie and Kirby (Stephanie's husband) hurt Mommy. They did a lot of mean things that really hurt Mommy a lot." {at this point I walked away, since I was about to start getting emotional} "They're not nice people anymore. We can't talk to them or open the door for them. They're bad to us now." A.J. nodded his understanding, and Philip left it at that and then started to join me in the kitchen.

About that second, we both heard a loud wail. Poor A.J. had begun crying. Those awful, heart-wrenching sobs. He was sitting on the couch, and Jack had just bounced up next to him, so at first I thought that maybe he'd had a finger smashed or something. Philip picked him up and started consoling him, and I was wiping his tears and questioning him as to what was exactly wrong from the other side. He wouldn't say for a bit, but he finally gave in and told Philip: He was crying because he'd done "something bad" - he'd "opened the door for Perry."

{my own heart broke right about then}

We hugged and held A.J. and wiped away his tears. We told him over and over he hadn't done anything wrong - he didn't know that they were bad. We hadn't told him before. He'd known that Perry wasn't a stranger, and he wouldn't have opened the door up to one. I mean, A.J. originally tried to hold his ground with the locked door in the first place - but his "friend" Mr. Perry talked him into opening it anyway. After a while, A.J. was settled and feeling okay again.

I am still upset. Angry. VERY angry.

There's no excuse for it. There's no excuse for ANY of their behaviors. But coaxing a child who's telling you 'no' to do something that you know DARN WELL the parents wouldn't want is just... unspeakable.

Maybe I'm biased. Maybe I only feel this way because we are in the situation, or because it is my child that was hurt by thinking he'd done something wrong. But I think it's absolutely WRONG.

One good thing has come to light through tonight's violation ordeal: We know now EXACTLY the type of people these folks are (despite the Bible verses they post to fool others), and we no longer feel ANY remorse about cutting them out of our lives entirely.

Wheee - where did the day go? Oh, I remember! Arguing in email. I'm soooo done with that.

This afternoon we received a wonderful and unexpected phone call - a spot has opened up, and Jack will be going to 3-yr. PreSchool! We'd tried to register him back in February, but the class had filled up within just a couple of days, and he's been on the wait list since. I'm excited, but that is NOTHING compared to how giddy Jack is!

Jack: I get to go to school?!
Me: Yep, you do! You get to go to school on Tuesday!
Jack: And I get to have A.J.'s backpack?!
Me: No, we'll probably get you one of your own.
Jack: A Ninja Turtles one?!
Me: (laughing) We'll see, bud!

My baby is growing up, just like my other baby. *sniffle* I'm so happy for him, and this will be such an exciting experience. A.J. only attended 4-yr. PreK before heading into Kindergarten, so Jack will have one extra year. He will be going on Tuesdays and Thursdays, from 9-11:30am. :-)

---

I went to step aerobics class tonight with Maria. I'd not been to a step class in over a year now, and I very nearly DIED tonight! Also, it was sooooo not a 'Beginner Step' class. It was more along the lines of what Heather and I were doing after 2-3 MONTHS of classes last year. I'm exhausted!

But yay! I have 8 stickers on my calendar for exercise now!

I'm off to scrapbook with Annie now. :-)

Although it's been nearly a month now, it's as if the pain hasn't stopped. Even when I thought I'd gotten over most of it, I find that I'm faced with it again. I have to make myself learn to just 'let it roll off' me that there are cookouts here now that I'm not invited to, especially among people that I introduced to one another, save one person. That the friendships that I helped to start are, apparently, doing much better off without me.

I have to just move on, realize that things will likely never be the same again. That although I spent so much time trying so desperately to pull her out of her shell, to become a close friend to her, to invite her to do so many things with me (months before there was a Heather in my life, even), to rejoice in her child's achievements and triumphs, to be the one who was called on if anything was needed... that I'm just not needed anymore.

I should have seen it coming much sooner, really. Every time I mention the word 'scrapbook,' it's like an immediate turn-off to the people here. It's as if I used an invisible pepper spray and people can no longer stand by me now. Even when THEY were the ones who called ME and wanted to do something but had no plans decided on. I mention games - no. I mention movies - no. I mention scrapbooking - um, nevermind, we'll just stay home and do something else. The dinner invitations that are cancelled at the last minute for someone else. You can only be rejected so many times before you start to believe it's about YOU.

And it hurts. It always did. But I thought I was letting it go, I really did. Until yesterday. Until I found out that, in contradiction to all previous plans made, I was no longer the one to be watching the little boy while the baby came. That I, who's been so excited since the very beginning of this pregnancy - even before that really, when I first learned they were going to try - had been passed over. And I was so... hurt.

The shower that we spent hundreds on was just a month and two days ago. And my, how things have changed since then. Now when I think about the loss of the friendship that used to be, it's like a stab to the heart every time. The baby is beautiful - he really is. But it hurts so badly to see him and realize that we were, all of a sudden, no longer even considered to watch his brother during this special time.

There's other repercussions as well, but I won't get into them here or now. It just... hurts. And I will get over it eventually. For right now though, I'm still pushed to tears. And no (since I've been asked 4 times today)... there's nothing anyone can do to help me feel better. :-/