If she had the proper words to say,

*sigh*

Do you ever just feel like you should tell something, but your heart just isn't there for the telling, or it's the kind of thing that gets you too emotional to begin telling? Yeah, that's me right now.

It isn't fair of me to ask for good thoughts and prayers for tomorrow without giving all the details, yet that's what I'm doing, I suppose. *shrugs*

I went to the urology specialist on Thursday for my bladder issues. If you've been a long-time reader, you might remember that I had bladder surgery almost seven years ago. At that time, my doctor told me I had the worst bladder he'd seen - that of roughly an 80-year-old. He told me that the sling would hold for 8-10 years, but I'd be facing having the same surgery that often for the rest of my life. Well, the sling began failing around 3-4 years, and I've kept it to myself for a good, long while, too. Over the past year, it's become worse than it ever was before I even had surgery the first time, and I had to face the music. I asked for a referral to urology and waited my six weeks to see the specialist.

And, there's more. My bladder is very jacked up, to be sure. There are incision issues (the internal incision is opening and the sling is falling out through the vaginal wall). It boggles my mind that is evening possible almost seven years later. In addition, something about my bladder looks "funny" and needs to be tested (quoting, of course). The worst of it, though, was hearing the doctor, then the tech, then the second doctor he called into the room all make very worrisome sounds and pokes and prods, to have him sit me up and tell me...

There are two tumors, one pressing on either side of my bladder.

*gulps*

I have an immediate appointment tomorrow with both my urologist AND a specialist OG/GYN, and they intend to find out more about these tumors. In addition, I have a bladder biopsy on the 18th, and I imagine the actual bladder surgery will be not too far behind it (though I intend to push it until after Thanksgiving, for sure). Listening to my urologist, as well as depending on the outcomes from the OB/GYN appointment, I think the intent is to push for a hysterectomy, and if so, that will likely be in the same surgery.

You might remember also that I've had nothing but abnormal Pap smears for years now, culminating in a colposcopy which revealed three masses (with results of two benign). I also had a large cyst removed from my girly parts when I was just 14, and my older sister has fought cervical cancer. Doctors told me when I was younger I had too much scar tissue to even bear children, so I count both my boys as wonderful miracles. However, immediately upon having my healthy children, I began pressing for a hysterectomy, feeling as though I had a ticking time bomb inside me. I've always been denied, for a myriad of reasons: 1) it's major surgery, 2) I'm not 35, and 3) I don't have three children. When I had bladder surgery the first time, I pressed again, as the recovery for both surgeries is the same. No dice.

This time, my doctor is already discussing hysterectomy, and I'm still not 35, nor do I have three children. I just pray that, if there are indeed tumors of any sort, that everything is handled in time. As always, bigbrain61 assures me that I will be fine, and he's never been wrong before...