Where do I begin?

[navygreen]

*sigh*

Do you ever just feel like you should tell something, but your heart just isn't there for the telling, or it's the kind of thing that gets you too emotional to begin telling? Yeah, that's me right now.

It isn't fair of me to ask for good thoughts and prayers for tomorrow without giving all the details, yet that's what I'm doing, I suppose. *shrugs*

I went to the urology specialist on Thursday for my bladder issues. If you've been a long-time reader, you might remember that I had bladder surgery almost seven years ago. At that time, my doctor told me I had the worst bladder he'd seen - that of roughly an 80-year-old. He told me that the sling would hold for 8-10 years, but I'd be facing having the same surgery that often for the rest of my life. Well, the sling began failing around 3-4 years, and I've kept it to myself for a good, long while, too. Over the past year, it's become worse than it ever was before I even had surgery the first time, and I had to face the music. I asked for a referral to urology and waited my six weeks to see the specialist.

And, there's more. My bladder is very jacked up, to be sure. There are incision issues (the internal incision is opening and the sling is falling out through the vaginal wall). It boggles my mind that is evening possible almost seven years later. In addition, something about my bladder looks "funny" and needs to be tested (quoting, of course). The worst of it, though, was hearing the doctor, then the tech, then the second doctor he called into the room all make very worrisome sounds and pokes and prods, to have him sit me up and tell me...

There are two tumors, one pressing on either side of my bladder.

*gulps*

I have an immediate appointment tomorrow with both my urologist AND a specialist OG/GYN, and they intend to find out more about these tumors. In addition, I have a bladder biopsy on the 18th, and I imagine the actual bladder surgery will be not too far behind it (though I intend to push it until after Thanksgiving, for sure). Listening to my urologist, as well as depending on the outcomes from the OB/GYN appointment, I think the intent is to push for a hysterectomy, and if so, that will likely be in the same surgery.

You might remember also that I've had nothing but abnormal Pap smears for years now, culminating in a colposcopy which revealed three masses (with results of two benign). I also had a large cyst removed from my girly parts when I was just 14, and my older sister has fought cervical cancer. Doctors told me when I was younger I had too much scar tissue to even bear children, so I count both my boys as wonderful miracles. However, immediately upon having my healthy children, I began pressing for a hysterectomy, feeling as though I had a ticking time bomb inside me. I've always been denied, for a myriad of reasons: 1) it's major surgery, 2) I'm not 35, and 3) I don't have three children. When I had bladder surgery the first time, I pressed again, as the recovery for both surgeries is the same. No dice.

This time, my doctor is already discussing hysterectomy, and I'm still not 35, nor do I have three children. I just pray that, if there are indeed tumors of any sort, that everything is handled in time. As always, bigbrain61 assures me that I will be fine, and he's never been wrong before...

Comments

[navygreen.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Sara. I've been okay for the past two days, but I feel myself frazzling on the edges tonight, and I needed to hear that.

[goodjoan]

((HUG)) I hope they turn out to be benign tumors and are easily treated. Let us know how it goes! I'll be thinking of you!

[syven.livejournal.com]

When I was 28, working for the Army as a Federal employee, I wanted to have a tubal. I never wanted kids and I didn't see why I had to endure birth control pills for the "magic" age when a doctor would think I'd be less of a lawsuit risk.

So I looked into it. Having federal health insurance - like we do with the Military Tricare - you cannot be discriminated against for AGE, SEX, or race. I fought the system and won. You can, too. You have a reasonable family history to be concerned and demand the operation that will increase your chances for a longer, healthier life.

Think of it this way - what if this was one of your boys? What if some doctor was saying that they couldn't have a vasectomy that would decrease their chances of getting cancer by 80% because they were too young and didn't have "enough" kids already? You'd fight your heart out to get the doctors to do the right thing. This is no different. This is for your boys, for you, for your life. Don't let them stone-wall you with the "textbook" answer that scares other women away.

[a1.livejournal.com]

wow that is some pretty heavy stuff to be handling.
Of course I hope that everything turns out A-OK no matter what type of surgery you require.
These are times when faith & science converge. I will be thinking of you. Stay strong!

[teacher-tabi.livejournal.com]

I so wish you weren't having to go through this!! Big hugs and prayers!

[lolobird.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry! I am going to pray a ton for you!! Everything will turn out fine; God is with you.

[sdaisyk.livejournal.com]

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Did your package make it there safely?

[wholuvsya.livejournal.com]

*hugs* praying for you sweetie.

[blognmomma.livejournal.com]

Don't mess around and wait for Holidays to come and go. Do what has to be done as soon as possible.
You are in my thoughts and prayers, Nicole. I trust God that you will be just fine.

[prosodic.livejournal.com]

Still sending healing thoughts your way and hoping for the best. *HUGS* Stay strong, Nicole. I hope you can feel the love everyone is sending you.

[jchammonds.livejournal.com]

Thinking positive thoughts for you. Don't wait - get this taken care of as soon as possible. I will be waiting anxiously for news.

[jchammonds.livejournal.com]

I was just thinking about you and hoping for good news?

[traceylalala.livejournal.com]

Keeping you in my thoughts, Nicole. I hope this all goes smoothly for you. I know it has to be scary, hearing those kinds of things about your body/health. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that your tests all come back and there's nothing additional you have to deal with.

*mega hugs*

[bookgirl2632.livejournal.com]

Nicole, I only know you through this LJ, but I feel like I know you through all of your posts about your wonderful family and all your cookies. I'm so sorry to hear about this and I'll keep you in my thoughts. I hope for the very best outcome for you.

[livemockingbird.livejournal.com]

I"ve been thinking about you since you first posted about your woes. I had no idea you had a sling put in. I've been contemplating it, but had heard about some not-so-great side effects. Hearing that it doesn't last for very long isn't very promising. I have to say, though, that you may be very pleased that you had this issue, and had it fail, so they started poking around, you know?

You'll be in my thoughts.

[jespere.livejournal.com]

You sure have my prayers! Our "winter candle" will be burning for you today!

[donnazita.livejournal.com]

Nicole, I didn't know you had gone through so much already. I'd known you had problems but not for such a long time.

I have to echo syvern's comments. I don't think doctors would be denying a man treatment. What is this about 3 children?

And as for age, a classmate of mine had symptoms of a stroke but when she went in, despite the fact she had all the symptoms, the doctors told her she was "too young" (38!) and denied her treatment. She had a stroke a few days later!

[gardenmama.livejournal.com]

Oh hon. You'll be in my thoughts tomorrow and in the days to come. I think the worst part when facing something like this is the waiting and not knowing. I hope the results of the biopsies are normal and that your wait time for surgery will be minimal. If there's anything you need, don't hesitate to ask!

[lotsofjoy.livejournal.com]

Aw Nic... that sounds scary. But it sounds like you've finally got a doctor who is willing to really take care of you. You know that if there is ABSOLUTELY anything I can do, I will. I just wish I was THERE. You'll have the hands of ten thousand angels holding you up no matter what you have to go through.

*hugs*

[mybonnykate.livejournal.com]

Lots of thoughts and prayers.

[adiasplat.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're on top of things. You'll be OK.

[katielovesmatt.livejournal.com]

will be thinking good thoughts for you Nicole! if you need anything at all we're all here.

[hearts-refuge.livejournal.com]

Oh honey. Praying for you. Have been since I saw it elsewhere. xo

[kechara.livejournal.com]

Lots of love for you Nicole! Better to "miss" one Thanksgiving to have many more happy holidays... *hugs*

[hiswifetheirmom.livejournal.com]

Wow I am so sorry to hear you're going through all of this. I will pray hard for you!!

[annaed770.livejournal.com]

I'm prayin' for ya,Nicole,in the hopes everything will go smoothly for ya! :)

*HUGS*

[jillerbob.livejournal.com]

hugs any kind of medical stuff is hard to go through. just stay positive and try not to worry too much let everyone else do that.

[danoke.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about this! You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that everything works out very soon for you. I pray that the doctors do all the tests possible as soon as they can and you can get on the road to recovery very soon. {{hugs}}

[aiseiri-47.livejournal.com]

*hugs* There isn't much I can say; I just hope all goes as well as possible. It upsets me that you have been denied a hysterectomy or the reasons above, when you have a medical history that very much seems to support the request. :-/

[butterflymama3.livejournal.com]

oh Nicole - I'm sorry that you got such bad news. I had the bladder sling surgery in 2007 I think. For me it has been great but I have heard that it can fail after a while. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that that doesn't happen. I hope that the doctors realize that it is your body and if you want a hysterectomy and it is the better option that they do it. (hugs)