Things NOT to say to a military spouse.
Feb. 16th, 2008 03:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
navygreen1. "Aren't you afraid that he'll be killed?"
(This one ranks in at number one on the "duh" list. Of course we're afraid. We're terrified. The thought always lingers at the backs of our minds - but thanks, Brilliant, you just brought it back to the front. Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they're scared of dying.)
2. "I don't know how you manage. I don't think I could do it."
(This is intended to be a compliment. Though it's just a little annoying, and here's why: it's not like all of us military wives have been dreaming since childhood of the day we'd get to be anxious single moms who carry cell phones with us to the bathroom and to the shower. We're not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable; we just got asked to take on a challenging job. So we rose to the challenge and found the strength to make sacrifices.)
3. "At least he's not in Iraq."
(This is the number one most annoying comment for those whose husbands are ANYWHERE. PERIOD! What do they think is happening in on other missions? An international game of golf? Guys are fighting and dying over there. *Philip has been to Saudi Arabia once, Iraq twice.)
4. "Do you think he'll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?"
(Don't you watch the news? No! They don't get to come home for any of these things. Please don't ask again.)
5. "What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he's gone?"
(Short answer: Try to keep my sanity. Maybe there's a military wife out there who gets bored when her husband leaves, but I have yet to meet her. For the rest of us, those with and without children, we find ourselves having to be two people. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get lonely, but we don't get bored!
6. "How much longer does he have until he can get out?"
(This one is annoying to many of us whether our husbands are deployed or not. Many of our husbands aren't counting down the days until they "can" get out. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because they actually love what they do or they VOLUNTEER again and AGAIN to go back to Iraq because there is work that needs to be done.)
7. "This deployment shouldn't be so bad, now that you're used to it."
(Sure, we do learn coping skills, and it's true the more deployments you've gone through, the easier dealing with it becomes. We figure out ways to make life go more smoothly while the guys are gone. But it never gets "easy," and the bullets and bombs don't skip over our guys just because they've been there before. The worry never goes away.)
8. "My husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you're going through."
(This one is similar to number two. Do not equate your husband's three-week-trip to London/Omaha/Tokyo/etc. with a 12-15 month or more deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious time difference, nobody shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an IED, your husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, he flew comfortably on a commercial plane, slept between crisp white sheets, and he ate well, paying for everything with an expense account. There is no comparison. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for it. Comparing a 12-month combat deployment to a few weeks business trip is like comparing a shitty Ford Taurus with a Mercedes convertible. *Philip was gone four months to Saudi, 9.5 months to Iraq the first time, and 6.5 months the second time.)
9. "Wow, you must miss him?"
(This one also gets another big "duh". Of course we miss our men. There are some wives who do not, and they're now divorced.)
10. "Where is he exactly? Where is that?"
(I don't expect non-military folks to be able to find Anbar Province on a map, but they should know by now that it's in Iraq. Likewise, know that Kabul and Kandahar are in Afghanistan. Know that Muqtada al Sadr is the insurgent leader of the Mahdi Army in Iraq, and that Sadr City is his home area. Know that Iran is a major threat to our country, and that it is located between Afghanistan and Iraq. Our country has been at war in Afghanistan for seven years and at war in Iraq for five years. These basic facts are not secrets, they're on the news every night and in the papers every day - and on maps everywhere.)
11. "Well, he signed up for it, so it's his own fault whatever happens over there."
(Yes, ignorant, he did sign up. Each and every day he protects your right to make stupid comments like that. He didn't sign up and ask to be hit by anything; he signed up to protect his country. Oh, and by the way, he asked me to tell you, "You're welcome." He's still fighting for your freedom.)
12. "Don't you miss sex? I couldn't do it!"
(Hmmm, no, I don't miss sex. I'm a robot. Seriously... military spouses learn quickly that our relationships must be founded on something greater than sex. We learn to appreciate the important things, like simply hearing their voices, seeing their faces, being able to have dinner together every night. And the hard truth is this: most relationships probably couldn't withstand 12 months of sex deprivation.)
13. "Well, in my opinion..."
(Stop right there. Yo, I didn't ask for you your personal political opinions. Hey, I love a heated political debate, but not in the grocery store, and CERTAINLY NOT AT WORK. We tell co-workers about deployments so when we have to spend lunch hours running our asses off doing errands and taking care of the house, cats, and kids, they have an understanding. We do not tell co-workers and colleagues because we are giving an invitation to ramble about politics or because we so eagerly want to hear how much they hate the President, especially while we're trying to heat up our Lean Cuisines in the crappy office microwaves.)
and last but not least...
14. "Oh, that's horrible... I'm so sorry!"
(He's doing his job, and he's a bad-ass. Don't be sorry. Be appreciative and please take a moment out of your comfortable American lives to realize that our soldiers fight the wars abroad so those wars stay abroad.)
If you want to say anything, say thank you. If not that, I'm not interested just now.
(This one ranks in at number one on the "duh" list. Of course we're afraid. We're terrified. The thought always lingers at the backs of our minds - but thanks, Brilliant, you just brought it back to the front. Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they're scared of dying.)
2. "I don't know how you manage. I don't think I could do it."
(This is intended to be a compliment. Though it's just a little annoying, and here's why: it's not like all of us military wives have been dreaming since childhood of the day we'd get to be anxious single moms who carry cell phones with us to the bathroom and to the shower. We're not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable; we just got asked to take on a challenging job. So we rose to the challenge and found the strength to make sacrifices.)
3. "At least he's not in Iraq."
(This is the number one most annoying comment for those whose husbands are ANYWHERE. PERIOD! What do they think is happening in on other missions? An international game of golf? Guys are fighting and dying over there. *Philip has been to Saudi Arabia once, Iraq twice.)
4. "Do you think he'll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?"
(Don't you watch the news? No! They don't get to come home for any of these things. Please don't ask again.)
5. "What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he's gone?"
(Short answer: Try to keep my sanity. Maybe there's a military wife out there who gets bored when her husband leaves, but I have yet to meet her. For the rest of us, those with and without children, we find ourselves having to be two people. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get lonely, but we don't get bored!
6. "How much longer does he have until he can get out?"
(This one is annoying to many of us whether our husbands are deployed or not. Many of our husbands aren't counting down the days until they "can" get out. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because they actually love what they do or they VOLUNTEER again and AGAIN to go back to Iraq because there is work that needs to be done.)
7. "This deployment shouldn't be so bad, now that you're used to it."
(Sure, we do learn coping skills, and it's true the more deployments you've gone through, the easier dealing with it becomes. We figure out ways to make life go more smoothly while the guys are gone. But it never gets "easy," and the bullets and bombs don't skip over our guys just because they've been there before. The worry never goes away.)
8. "My husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you're going through."
(This one is similar to number two. Do not equate your husband's three-week-trip to London/Omaha/Tokyo/etc. with a 12-15 month or more deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious time difference, nobody shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an IED, your husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, he flew comfortably on a commercial plane, slept between crisp white sheets, and he ate well, paying for everything with an expense account. There is no comparison. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for it. Comparing a 12-month combat deployment to a few weeks business trip is like comparing a shitty Ford Taurus with a Mercedes convertible. *Philip was gone four months to Saudi, 9.5 months to Iraq the first time, and 6.5 months the second time.)
9. "Wow, you must miss him?"
(This one also gets another big "duh". Of course we miss our men. There are some wives who do not, and they're now divorced.)
10. "Where is he exactly? Where is that?"
(I don't expect non-military folks to be able to find Anbar Province on a map, but they should know by now that it's in Iraq. Likewise, know that Kabul and Kandahar are in Afghanistan. Know that Muqtada al Sadr is the insurgent leader of the Mahdi Army in Iraq, and that Sadr City is his home area. Know that Iran is a major threat to our country, and that it is located between Afghanistan and Iraq. Our country has been at war in Afghanistan for seven years and at war in Iraq for five years. These basic facts are not secrets, they're on the news every night and in the papers every day - and on maps everywhere.)
11. "Well, he signed up for it, so it's his own fault whatever happens over there."
(Yes, ignorant, he did sign up. Each and every day he protects your right to make stupid comments like that. He didn't sign up and ask to be hit by anything; he signed up to protect his country. Oh, and by the way, he asked me to tell you, "You're welcome." He's still fighting for your freedom.)
12. "Don't you miss sex? I couldn't do it!"
(Hmmm, no, I don't miss sex. I'm a robot. Seriously... military spouses learn quickly that our relationships must be founded on something greater than sex. We learn to appreciate the important things, like simply hearing their voices, seeing their faces, being able to have dinner together every night. And the hard truth is this: most relationships probably couldn't withstand 12 months of sex deprivation.)
13. "Well, in my opinion..."
(Stop right there. Yo, I didn't ask for you your personal political opinions. Hey, I love a heated political debate, but not in the grocery store, and CERTAINLY NOT AT WORK. We tell co-workers about deployments so when we have to spend lunch hours running our asses off doing errands and taking care of the house, cats, and kids, they have an understanding. We do not tell co-workers and colleagues because we are giving an invitation to ramble about politics or because we so eagerly want to hear how much they hate the President, especially while we're trying to heat up our Lean Cuisines in the crappy office microwaves.)
and last but not least...
14. "Oh, that's horrible... I'm so sorry!"
(He's doing his job, and he's a bad-ass. Don't be sorry. Be appreciative and please take a moment out of your comfortable American lives to realize that our soldiers fight the wars abroad so those wars stay abroad.)
If you want to say anything, say thank you. If not that, I'm not interested just now.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-02-16 09:50 am (UTC)*big hugs*
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Date: 2008-02-16 09:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-16 10:09 am (UTC)I mean this very respectfully and genuinly
Date: 2008-02-16 11:01 am (UTC)(...)So we rose to the challenge and found the strength to make sacrifices.)
And that is what, I'll speak for myself, I'm in awe of.
I know how it goes in any challlenging situation: you just deal, it's either that or the looney bin. But if I see someone rising above their own strength and find patience and endurance where you'd think there wasn't any of that to be found anymore, I deeply respect that, and say so. So if I tell someone "I don't know how you do it", I basically mean: "I'm so impressed by how you're handling things. I've tried to think about how I'd act in your situation, but I can't even begin to imagine."
Just the other side of the coin :)
Re: I mean this very respectfully and genuinly
Date: 2008-02-16 11:04 am (UTC):-)
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Date: 2008-02-16 05:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-16 04:31 pm (UTC)(This is the number one most annoying comment for those whose husbands are ANYWHERE. PERIOD! What do they think is happening in on other missions? An international game of golf? Guys are fighting and dying over there. *Philip has been to Saudi Arabia once, Iraq twice.)
I hear this one...ALL THE TIME! I don't think I've ever actually heard any of the other ones. Lance has never been to Iraq since we've been together. It's just been his fate to end up in assignments where he isn't deployed there. But he gets deployed to other places and when I miss him, people say this to me.
He flies in a plane. Planes crash, both in peacetime and wartime. It doesn't matter WHERE he is. Everyday, he puts his life on the line once he steps on that plane.
And I love how people seem to think that I somehow have no right to miss him, no right to worry about his safety, no right to want him home with me, just because he isn't in the Middle East. Sure, he hasn't been to anywhere truly dangerous since I've been with him...but his job alone is dangerous. And people just don't get that.
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Date: 2008-02-16 05:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-16 06:08 pm (UTC)*zips lips*
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Date: 2008-02-16 08:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-17 03:35 am (UTC)i am a bit curious though, are all of our military areas combat zones? i thought there were some places that weren't active combat. my dad was stationed in germany in the 70's, and he never saw any battle. (he was captain of the finance corps, so he was responsible for dealing with banks to make sure they had US currency for payroll. he's got some great stories about his pinto, armed military vehicles, and $8million in cash.)
i just think it's gotta be hard to understand what military families go through, because i really don't think the news covers that much about their experiences.
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Date: 2008-02-17 02:04 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2008-02-17 02:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-22 09:42 pm (UTC)Of course, I always loved the... At least he's a pilot and isn't on the ground comments... um, yeah.... he's flying a big target that has NO way of protecting itself. He's SO safe - *headdesk*
Still, I always felt we had things better than most.... so I hated to complain too much about deployments.
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2008-02-22 11:20 pm (UTC)