Dreams and tears.
May. 11th, 2005 03:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
navygreenI was sleeping. It was mid-afternoon, and I snuggled down for a nap before time to pick up A.J. from school. At 3:05, the alarm went off. I got up, stumbled out of my room and into the entryway. Philip was helping Jack put on his shoes, and he was saying, "C'mon, Jack. Get your shoes on because we've all gotta go and pick up A.J."
At this moment, I realized that, *duh* - Philip was home. HE could go pick up A.J. by himself. I didn't NEED to go with him to do so. I told him these things, and then said that I was going to crawl back in bed for another hour or so of my nap. And I did. And Philip and Jack picked A.J. up from school, and I was left to snuggle in my dreams for a bit more.
...
^ That was my dream yesterday afternoon while I actually *was* napping before picking A.J. up from school. I laid down at 2pm, and I had the alarm set for 3:05. I snoozed it at 3:05, and then I woke up again at 3:14. When I woke up for REAL, I was hit with the hard realization that Philip really, really wasn't home. He really, really couldn't go pick up A.J. for me.
And it had all felt so real. So very real. I was crushed. Why are dreams so cruel? I felt the tears sting in my eyes, but I told myself there wasn't time to cry right then - A.J. needed to be picked up, and even with my clock set 5 minutes fast, we were still going to be about 5 minutes late. (Though we actually got there just as A.J. was finally mosey-ing out of the school - so no harm done, then.)
I've come so close to tears so many times this week, and they've all been relatively small things, so I haven't really let myself cry over them. The first time was spilling my drink all over the driveway last Friday night. The second time was two afternoons ago, when we were driving back home from running an errand. On the side of the road, I saw an older couple out for a walk, and they were holding hands. At the same moment I found myself saying, "Awww," I was also struck by a heartbreaking desire to BE them. To BE on a walk with my husband, and to BE holding his hand. I wanted to be doing that, and I came to tears when I had to tell myself that I couldn't "right now."
And then this dream yesterday afternoon. It hurts, you know - to be separated like this. We're only closing in on the 4-month mark, so there's still quite a bit of time left that Philip will be gone. The rote answer, of course, is to always say, "We're fine, really," whenever people ask, and it's partly true, partly not. We *are* fine. Life still goes on here, and we're not holding our breaths waiting for anything. But we're also living around a big hole - the absence of daddy and husband. And no matter how many times I shrug it off, the reality is that it keeps coming back.
At this moment, I realized that, *duh* - Philip was home. HE could go pick up A.J. by himself. I didn't NEED to go with him to do so. I told him these things, and then said that I was going to crawl back in bed for another hour or so of my nap. And I did. And Philip and Jack picked A.J. up from school, and I was left to snuggle in my dreams for a bit more.
...
^ That was my dream yesterday afternoon while I actually *was* napping before picking A.J. up from school. I laid down at 2pm, and I had the alarm set for 3:05. I snoozed it at 3:05, and then I woke up again at 3:14. When I woke up for REAL, I was hit with the hard realization that Philip really, really wasn't home. He really, really couldn't go pick up A.J. for me.
And it had all felt so real. So very real. I was crushed. Why are dreams so cruel? I felt the tears sting in my eyes, but I told myself there wasn't time to cry right then - A.J. needed to be picked up, and even with my clock set 5 minutes fast, we were still going to be about 5 minutes late. (Though we actually got there just as A.J. was finally mosey-ing out of the school - so no harm done, then.)
I've come so close to tears so many times this week, and they've all been relatively small things, so I haven't really let myself cry over them. The first time was spilling my drink all over the driveway last Friday night. The second time was two afternoons ago, when we were driving back home from running an errand. On the side of the road, I saw an older couple out for a walk, and they were holding hands. At the same moment I found myself saying, "Awww," I was also struck by a heartbreaking desire to BE them. To BE on a walk with my husband, and to BE holding his hand. I wanted to be doing that, and I came to tears when I had to tell myself that I couldn't "right now."
And then this dream yesterday afternoon. It hurts, you know - to be separated like this. We're only closing in on the 4-month mark, so there's still quite a bit of time left that Philip will be gone. The rote answer, of course, is to always say, "We're fine, really," whenever people ask, and it's partly true, partly not. We *are* fine. Life still goes on here, and we're not holding our breaths waiting for anything. But we're also living around a big hole - the absence of daddy and husband. And no matter how many times I shrug it off, the reality is that it keeps coming back.
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no subject
Date: 2005-05-11 09:44 pm (UTC)I think it's easy to feel really down when things just aren't bouncing your way consitantly. Look at all of those depressing posts I've made of late. Isn't it pathetic? But that's how you feel, and no one can blame you so long as you try your best.
*hug* Chin up, dear, you're doing fine. You'll all be okay.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-12 06:41 am (UTC)