Dreams and tears.
May. 11th, 2005 03:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
navygreenI was sleeping. It was mid-afternoon, and I snuggled down for a nap before time to pick up A.J. from school. At 3:05, the alarm went off. I got up, stumbled out of my room and into the entryway. Philip was helping Jack put on his shoes, and he was saying, "C'mon, Jack. Get your shoes on because we've all gotta go and pick up A.J."
At this moment, I realized that, *duh* - Philip was home. HE could go pick up A.J. by himself. I didn't NEED to go with him to do so. I told him these things, and then said that I was going to crawl back in bed for another hour or so of my nap. And I did. And Philip and Jack picked A.J. up from school, and I was left to snuggle in my dreams for a bit more.
...
^ That was my dream yesterday afternoon while I actually *was* napping before picking A.J. up from school. I laid down at 2pm, and I had the alarm set for 3:05. I snoozed it at 3:05, and then I woke up again at 3:14. When I woke up for REAL, I was hit with the hard realization that Philip really, really wasn't home. He really, really couldn't go pick up A.J. for me.
And it had all felt so real. So very real. I was crushed. Why are dreams so cruel? I felt the tears sting in my eyes, but I told myself there wasn't time to cry right then - A.J. needed to be picked up, and even with my clock set 5 minutes fast, we were still going to be about 5 minutes late. (Though we actually got there just as A.J. was finally mosey-ing out of the school - so no harm done, then.)
I've come so close to tears so many times this week, and they've all been relatively small things, so I haven't really let myself cry over them. The first time was spilling my drink all over the driveway last Friday night. The second time was two afternoons ago, when we were driving back home from running an errand. On the side of the road, I saw an older couple out for a walk, and they were holding hands. At the same moment I found myself saying, "Awww," I was also struck by a heartbreaking desire to BE them. To BE on a walk with my husband, and to BE holding his hand. I wanted to be doing that, and I came to tears when I had to tell myself that I couldn't "right now."
And then this dream yesterday afternoon. It hurts, you know - to be separated like this. We're only closing in on the 4-month mark, so there's still quite a bit of time left that Philip will be gone. The rote answer, of course, is to always say, "We're fine, really," whenever people ask, and it's partly true, partly not. We *are* fine. Life still goes on here, and we're not holding our breaths waiting for anything. But we're also living around a big hole - the absence of daddy and husband. And no matter how many times I shrug it off, the reality is that it keeps coming back.
At this moment, I realized that, *duh* - Philip was home. HE could go pick up A.J. by himself. I didn't NEED to go with him to do so. I told him these things, and then said that I was going to crawl back in bed for another hour or so of my nap. And I did. And Philip and Jack picked A.J. up from school, and I was left to snuggle in my dreams for a bit more.
...
^ That was my dream yesterday afternoon while I actually *was* napping before picking A.J. up from school. I laid down at 2pm, and I had the alarm set for 3:05. I snoozed it at 3:05, and then I woke up again at 3:14. When I woke up for REAL, I was hit with the hard realization that Philip really, really wasn't home. He really, really couldn't go pick up A.J. for me.
And it had all felt so real. So very real. I was crushed. Why are dreams so cruel? I felt the tears sting in my eyes, but I told myself there wasn't time to cry right then - A.J. needed to be picked up, and even with my clock set 5 minutes fast, we were still going to be about 5 minutes late. (Though we actually got there just as A.J. was finally mosey-ing out of the school - so no harm done, then.)
I've come so close to tears so many times this week, and they've all been relatively small things, so I haven't really let myself cry over them. The first time was spilling my drink all over the driveway last Friday night. The second time was two afternoons ago, when we were driving back home from running an errand. On the side of the road, I saw an older couple out for a walk, and they were holding hands. At the same moment I found myself saying, "Awww," I was also struck by a heartbreaking desire to BE them. To BE on a walk with my husband, and to BE holding his hand. I wanted to be doing that, and I came to tears when I had to tell myself that I couldn't "right now."
And then this dream yesterday afternoon. It hurts, you know - to be separated like this. We're only closing in on the 4-month mark, so there's still quite a bit of time left that Philip will be gone. The rote answer, of course, is to always say, "We're fine, really," whenever people ask, and it's partly true, partly not. We *are* fine. Life still goes on here, and we're not holding our breaths waiting for anything. But we're also living around a big hole - the absence of daddy and husband. And no matter how many times I shrug it off, the reality is that it keeps coming back.
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no subject
Date: 2005-05-11 09:34 pm (UTC)Fast forward to our current life -- you're comment "living around a big hole" really, truly struck a nerve with me and my heart aches for you. It's how I feel when I think of Taryn not being here with us.
While our situations are not the same or identical, I do identify with so much of what you wrote. My heart hurts for you. This is a hard situation to live with. Period. Be good to yourself. If you need to cry... go ahead and cry. It's not silly for you to cry. It means you love your husband and miss him. And the reality sucks - end of story.
Just know that there are people who love you and although no one can make it better, so to speak... you are thought of, loved, and held in many hearts.
**big hugs**
no subject
Date: 2005-05-12 06:40 am (UTC)This is one of the times where I wish I'd thought a little bit more before I started complaining. I have no right here - none, next to what you've been through. Still, you always manage to lift me up, and I don't know where you pull all of your strength from exactly, but I am so thankful that you have it and you choose to share it with me.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-12 01:21 pm (UTC)Oh nooo nooo nooo.... you have EVERY right in the world to complain, cry, vent, bitch, moan, and then some! It's not about what's harder for whom or what's worse... the very real thing is that sometimes, life is just plain hard! And your reality is completely valid in its hardness (Freudian slip, unintentional!). I don't feel strong at all, Nicole... I get any strength I have from my friends... friends like you *wiping tears* I think you're the strong one, not me.
How about this -- we'll hand each other tissues and hugs, ok? :-) Please, please, please don't feel you shouldn't complain, ok? *BIG HUGS*