navygreen | Broken: Focus on Marriage seminar.

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Broken: Focus on Marriage seminar.

I've been wanting to get my thoughts down on this for a few weeks, but it definitely needed some "settling" in my brain first. Our church was one of 500+ churches in the US and Canada (though the only one in our area) to sponsor Focus on the Family's Focus on Marriage Simulcast on February 28th. Philip and I attended the seminar, and I am so grateful that we did.

In preparation for the day's events, I expected to come away with new tips and techniques for improving our communication and marriage. There was SO much more, however, and the "meat" of it really sticks to my heart even now, three weeks later. Philip and I both took pages of notes (him more than me - crazy!), and I'm going to put down here a few of the things I especially want to remember and share.

This was the first marriage simulcast done by Focus on the Family, and I believe it was a large success. The stats reported for that day involved over 500 churches and included over 70,000 attendees. Even still, I was shocked to see the Family Life Center in our church not at full capacity as I had expected. In fact, I only spotted about ten couples from our own church, and in asking the coordinators during the lunch break, I learned that the 50 or so other couples were from other churches around the area - we were 1 of only 4 churches in Nebraska participating in the simulcast. Knowing that information, I was then saddened that so very few of our own congregation chose to or were able to attend. I do hope that FotF makes this a yearly event, and that attendance rises each year... and I hope we're able to make it each time!

There were five guest speakers for the day - four men and one woman. At first, I thought that was an "off" ratio, but as the day went on, I felt different. Now, this is only my personal opinion, but I feel comfortable in it: for the most part, it is usually like pulling teeth to get a man to go/come to a "marriage seminar" or anything where he might be encouraged to share his feelings. (It should be noted, though, that Philip was extremely excited about this seminar beforehand; in fact, he's the one that encouraged me to sign up for the event.) So, since you've finally managed to get all these men there, you definitely want to give them something they can relate to, something they can really hear. Having four male speakers seemed to be just the ticket, and I'm so thankful for the perfect set-up of the day.

The first speaker was Gary Thomas: "Seeing Your Marriage Through the Eyes of God." My notes:

- what if God designed marriage to make us holy, moreso than happy? The Bible tells us many times that the purpose of marriage is to bring one another closer to God. (Myself, I often fall into the trap of thinking the purpose of marriage is to make each other happy. That's not to say that we shouldn't also feel happy and comfortable in our marriage, but it is simple human thinking to believe that something as divine as marriage is designed "just" to make us happy.)

- James 3:2 - "We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check." (That describes me, I know. I stumble/mess up all the time. I'm not perfect, and I know this. Why have I ever wanted and expected Philip to be perfect, then? Why is it not okay in my mind and my heart that he has made a mistake? He forgives me for mine - why do I have such trouble forgiving him?)

- one of the great challenges is not the lack of "how-to" in a marriage, but the "heart-to" (It's not that I haven't heard and read the "how-to" tips for a great marriage - I have. But I so often become lazy, and I don't stick with it. In this example, I certainly stumble and usually lose sight of the "heart-to." I need help in this area specifically to keep my marriage God-centered.)

- preserving the "heart-to"
---- 1) discover the purpose of marriage. Marriage isn't about being young together; it's about growing old together.
---- 2) become a God-centered spouse. Matthew 6:33 - "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." 2 Corinthians 7:1 - "Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God."

- meditate on marriage with God as your father-in-law. God thinks of us as His children, and He loves us as such. We should remember that our spouses are loved by Him and try our hardest to care for them as He would want us to. (This was such an awesome - though painful - moment for me. Thomas said, "if I were ever to even consider divorce, I can't imagine that I could face God at my judgment. How could I say to Him, knowing He is Her Father, 'Your daughter - the one you provided me with to love and cherish? Yeah, she wasn't good enough for me.' I couldn't! I could never! In fact, even though marriage is SO hard, and even though I stumble SO much... I know that if God were to grant me the gift of one thousand lifetimes, I would humbly ask Him if I could be married in each one. And... ? Even if it were greedy and much too much to ask, I would also beg Him, 'Please let Lisa be my wife in every lifetime.'")

I cried a few times during his message, but his ending words felt as if they splintered my heart. My initial heart's cry, "Why couldn't Philip have felt this way?! Why am I not as special to him as Gary's Lisa is to him in their marriage?" And oh, I was devastated. For half a minute, I sobbed, and the tears racked my body. But Philip's arm was strong around my shoulders, and do you know? He was sobbing, too. He might've been crying because he felt pain at my pain, or he might've shed tears because he felt pain in his guilt... but feeling him cry punched me in the gut. It caused me to humble myself - right there in that moment - before God, and my next thought was, "Oh, God. I haven't loved him as Your son, either. If I had, I would've been so much more kind, so much easier to forgive. I wouldn't withhold my trust from him and shelter it in my own heart just because he has wronged me. I would continue to love him, to have faith in him, and to trust him... because it's what You've done for me every time I have stumbled as well."

(** As I mentioned, Philip has notes as well, and more extensive ones than mine. If you're interested in his, just leave a comment with the speaker's name below, and I'll type them in for you.)

The second speaker was Beth Moore: "The Bride of Christ - How Your Marriage Should Reflect Christ and His Church." My notes:

- Ephesians 5:21-33 - "²¹Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. ²²Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ²³For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. ²⁵Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, ²⁶to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- ³⁰for we are members of his body. ³¹For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. ³²This is a profound mystery-- but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

- if we, as women, could fully grasp the responsibility that a man has as head of the marriage, the family, and the household... WE WOULDN'T WANT IT! We often think that we want to be in charge - sometimes, we even take over. But if we could really know, really see all that God holds a man to as head of the household, if we could anticipate the judgment that God will bring upon a man when his family fails... we would revere and respect our husbands for the mighty role they are handed. Even if, deep down, we feel as though we could do a better job sometimes, we are "wired" to want a man to care for us, to meet our needs, and to provide stability for our family and children. If we could fully see the awesome job set before a man, we wouldn't be trying to upstage him as the head; rather, we would learn more quickly "to duck and cover, when God reaches down and smacks him upside the head!" (Though I very much want to be "in control" of the family, what Beth has said here really resonates with me. So many people see those scriptures as only saying, 'Wives, when your husband wants sex, you have to give it to him.' But that's not it at all! We are called to submit and RESPECT our husbands... and how am I doing that if I'm trying to make myself more important than him in the hierarchy? Truth be told, I want not just a guy, but a MAN to care for me, to be an example to my boys, to treat me the way a WOMAN wants to be treated. For Philip to fully assume that role, however, I need to stop "mothering" him and treating him as I do the boys. I need to respect him as my MAN, and I should submit to him as my husband. We will discuss things concerning the family together, of course, but he should be making the final decisions for our well-being - not me. And I'm okay with that... because the Bible assures me that if he messes up in his responsibility, HE will be the one that has to answer for it, not me! What a relief that can be, if I only I remember not to overstep his "job!")

- sometimes because we can't get what we want, we don't appreciate what we have. (Holy cow, isn't that true?!)

- passive/aggressive men don't always give warnings before they've had enough. (Women, this is cautionary, and we need to be on the lookout.)

- and the most meaningful line from Beth: "Good can be GOOD." (I paused after she said this, letting it sink in. 'Good can be GOOD.' It can? But what about great? What about fantastic? Isn't good just... good? Oh, no. 'Good can be GOOD!' So often recently, I've found myself wishing, wanting, waiting. For what? Philip's doing everything right in our reconciliation. He's working at it, he's being fully transparent and openly honest, he's meeting my needs, he's comforting me in my pain, he's helping me to heal... things have been good. "But," I kept thinking to myself, "things aren't GREAT. They're not the BEST THEY'VE EVER BEEN. They're not FANTASTIC. There aren't fireworks and flowers and fountains following us wherever we go, and people aren't remarking about what an awesome couple we are and have far we've come..." But you know what? Things will never be perfect. They never will be for any marriage relationship, and anyone who tries to tell you so is lying about their own marriage. Why should I want our marriage to be such an example anyway? Honestly, no one else cares about OUR marriage anyhow - only us, because we are invested in it, and because it is OURS. People only care deeply about their OWN. "To each, their own," and all that jazz. Why does it matter to me what other people think about our marriage? It shouldn't, and here's the thing: we are GOOD right now. GOOD. And you know what? 'Good can be GOOD.')

It sounds so simple, and it made me smile, both on my face, and in my heart.

The remaining three speakers were so engaging, so powerful, I didn't even have time to glance at my paper, much less take notes. That's wondrous in itself, but their messages were so, SO much more. Del Tackett spoke of "The Divine Source of Marriage," speaking largely on creation and God's blueprints for men and women. Gary Smalley was hilarious and spoke of "The Value of Connecting to the Father." He used several props, and his personal stories had all of us in stitches! He also talked really, really fast! Lastly, John Trent presented a simple concept in "Small Changes, Big Results." He posited that we can do so much more in trying to tackle a huge problem by implementing small changes to solve the issue. Much like turning the wheel in small, 2° increments to correct driving off the road, rather than jerking the wheel 180° and causing an even larger wreck of our lives.

** For the remaining speakers, if you are interested, leave me a comment below with the speaker's name, and I'll take a few moments to type up Philip's notes (he has several for each of the last three men, whereas I didn't write anything down).

We enjoyed lunch tucked away in a corner of the Narthex with Bill and Nancy Pierce, our Stephen Ministers, Kirsten and Mark Schenck (I've known Kirsten for years through Parents-at-Home), and another couple we were just meeting (whose names I've forgotten!). For that hour's break, it was so uplifting and inspiring to chat closely with couple with so much more marriage experience. Bill and Nancy had been married 43 years, Kirstin and Mark for 17 years, the other couple for 31 years, and then Philip and I for 10 years. Some of the candid insight was simply... amazing. :-)

When the seminar ended in late afternoon (the event had been about eight hours total), we headed home. Philip and I took a nap together, and then he headed to work for a few hours while I made dinner and readied the boys for bed. When he came home, we both tucked into bed early, feeling physically exhausted from the emotionally-charged day. We talked over several key points of the presentations, and then practically fell asleep talking - it was only just barely 10pm. The next morning, I almost didn't hear my alarm at 10am... we slept solidly for 12 hours! We scurried to get ready, and made it to church on Sunday at exactly 11am. It was a weekend of powerful connection, and we are even now still discussing things from the seminar. I know that we are so blessed to have been able to attend.

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(deleted comment)

I'm sorry I've offended you so deeply you felt the need to unfriend me immediately. You've caused a hurt there, and I didn't expect it from you, to be sure.

I appreciate the advice you have given in the past, and I thank you for it.

Sounds like this was an extremely powerful and worthwhile event for you. I'm glad that you were able to attend this together. :)

My favorite line was "sometimes because we can't get what we want, we don't appreciate what we have". I think that is so very, very true. It's hard to appreciate the small things, to live fully in the present and to be content with the things we do have, but I certainly try.

*hugs* You're always in my thoughts. ♥

It was, Crystal - definitely. I am now anxiously awaiting the weekend getaway we have planned in one week: Weekend to Remember. I did ask some questions about it from the coordinators beforehand, though (since we were SO exhausted from just a one-day event, how would we make it through a whole weekend?!). I learned that while this is still focused on God-centering ourselves and our marriage, it should be a much lighter fare - we have only a few hours each day of learning, and then many breaks, as well as two "Date Nights" for lots of fun, light-hearted together time. I'm very excited!

Thank you for caring to read. I worry sometimes about posting something so religious, but I always hold hope that people will just skim if it's not their thing. :-)

I believe this is the most genuine positivity I've seen from you on this topic since became a topic. I wish you the best, and I hope that it continues this way - you continue to find peace, and Philip continues to dedicate himself to you and your marriage in the way that all of you deserve. ♥

Thank you, Jenna. I really wanted to get my thoughts in order, and I wanted a solid record of this event. I really appreciate your taking the time to read it all (long!).

I like being positive, I really do. I miss my carefree posting of old more than anyone can realize. This was a moment where I embraced what I truly wanted to say, and I said it even for myself. :-)

I was wondering how it went. I'm glad it went well!

:-)

This is what keeps me in my marriage- because every time I think I have had enough, I realize- would I want him to walk out on me for MY flaws?

And you know? At the end of it all.. when I think forward to my life after kids are grown- he is still the person I want to be with me.

I mean, that's a big thing, isn't it? Maybe not as "huge" as some would think Philip's error is, but man, I've messed up a LOT, too. He's not giving up on me, and he deserves the same respect... even on the days I feel like walking.

My conscious choice - the one I've made with much thought, deliberation and prayer - is to work on this marriage. In an argument, my emotional feeling is to feel pain, to be angry, to shut down, and to flee. But those things are not in line with my conscious choice, and so I keep working, keep loving, and keep trying to respect him in the way I'm commanded to... whether he's earning it in the moment or not. ;-)

Good for you, Brat, and for Philip. It would not be an event for me, but I know it fits in well with your belief system. I'm glad to hear you sounding so positive. I hope you both learned good things from the seminar - and continue to learn and put them into practice.

Personally I don't agree with the 'man as head of household' approach, but understand that it works for some couples. As long as there is mutual respect I think it can work out.

I love that you still call me Brat. Seriously - love it! ♥

I know it's not for everyone, I do. It's just like some of the books and resources that people have been kind enough to toss my way. While they might've been wonderful for them or someone else, I find that the true comfort, solace and healing for me comes from those things that are aligned with my faith.

And this is another of those such things. I had reserved hope as we signed up, but I walked out with an emotional tank full by the end! :-)

Way to go ! I think it is awesome that you both attended together. Please continue to share your notes as I think we can all pull from your experience. Never hurts to keep learning :)

:-)

This made me cry & wish that I would've been able to talk Blake into going to something like this with me.

I'm so happy for you guys that things are really starting to look up & it's not just you doing all the work to save your marriage anymore.

I love you guys & hope this keeps going great, and I hope next weekend is better! Don't worry about the boys, I got this dawg! ;-)

Thank you, Boo! :-)

This is not my thing (different beliefs and issues, nothing bad) - but it sounds like it might just be the best thing for you and Phillip - your enthusiasm shows. I hope you two find your happiness and that it will be together :)

I miss reading the happy Harry Potter fan Nicole, I hope this is on the path to bringing her back.

Glad you updated about this. Sounds like you both took away good from it. That's great that Philip took notes as well!

Reading all of this made my brain hurt. I don't understand very much of it, and I stopped reading about two paragraphs in because it'll just confuse me.

I have a very negative connotation of Focus on the Family. I think a lot of it comes from their ultra-conservative mentality. I grew up in a liberal atmosphere and I disagree with a lot of their views. I'm also pretty disenchanted by any group that grabs a Bible, throws it at you, and says... "this is how you live your life!"

That said,

You are my friend. And I'll love you as such no matter what. If this helps you guys build a better life and mends your marriage, then I'm behind you 100%.

^^^ this.

Yeah...that basically sums it up for me too.

I just want you to be happy again Nicole, no matter which path you have to take to get there.

I'm glad they went over the whole submit-to-your-man thing. I think that gets taken out of context an awful lot, and gets construed as a you must be a slave kind of mentality when I think it's far more along the lines of what you specified. It's something I've grappled with for years, and I appreciate hearing it from this context. Thanks again for including me in this filter. You are a true role model :)

Amen that submitting to your husband isn't "Get me a beer woman!" It's more like sure, I need to obey you, however you are supposed to be considering me first in everything you do, and are commanded to die for me if necessary. Puts alot of the things we don't want to obey into perspective, doesn't it?

I'm so happy you went, and so happy that you found alot of good things in that conference. Alot of what you've said agrees with my own beliefs. I loved reading your notes. I'll admit to being curious about Philips notes, but they should only be shared with his permission.

It sounds to me like you're healing now, and you're being pro-active about doing something to save your marriage. I'm so happy to hear that you're both putting the effort in.

i wonder if more people would understand the concept of submission if it were put more in "corporate" type terms... ya know, like this: the family is a company, and the husband/father is the CEO. the buck stops with him. he is ultimately responsible for all the decisions. if he's a wise leader, he listens to those in the company who may have more expertise or knowledge on various situations, and either makes decisions in accordance with that information, or even lets that person make a decision but knows he will be responsible for the outcome. yes, there are some power-hungry CEO's out there who just end up screwing over the company, but there are also some really good ones out there who end up very successful and don't try to take all the credit, and share it appropriately with the others around them.

And usually when you do what your boss says, it just works out better than when you fight with him...

Nicole - I don't know much about Focus on the Family but if it is something that is going to help heal the hurt between you and Philip, then I think it is a good thing. I hope that this is the beginning of your healing journey.

I like reading your religious posts. They are insightful, moving and teach me more about views outside of my own. Please do not stop them. (hugs)

i love listening to beth moore, she's so funny! if you ever have a chance to do a bible study or hers, or a women's retreat, definitely take advantage of it! last year my church did her first "retreat in a box" study called "loving well." it was really great! she tells the funniest stories, but also make the most intense points.

I'm so glad you went - and very glad to see that Philip was encouraging you to go adn was fully engaged in the day! :) That sounds like such a wonderful, positive step. Please, remind him, that I'm praying for *both* of you in this reconciliation and through this process and I love you both.

The event sounds like it was wonderful. I don't think I actually heard anything about it. :( Shane and I would definitely have gone if we'd known any churches in our area doing it... I hope they do it again so I cana find out about it next time. :) I really like the notes you've written up, too. There's a lot of good points in there that even the "best" marriages can use - I am glad to read them and find some nuggets of truth for me, as well as being glad that you found some for you. :)

I'm just so *glad* to see a positive post in this filter, Nic. Keep writing and letting us know how you're doing - and I, for one, will keep praying for progress and peace and healing - and for more events like this one that touch your hearts and bring you closer together and closer to God.

I'm glad you're finding something that helps.

So much is happening here (my husband has been in the hospital since Tues) I just..I will try to say more later about how happy I am for you about this etc.

I am glad. I wish your family all the best.

I'm....gobsmacked. Am I reading right that someone unfriended you because you, a consistently spiritual and religious person, has found a place of healing for yourself, your husband, your family, your marriage, within that spiritual and religious practice and context?!?!?!?!?!

...were they not reading your journal before? Was your faith, and using it as the rock of strength in your life constantly, such a surprise?

:facepalm:

I'm sory, Nicole, and especially if it took any of the joy and momentum out of the experience for you.

I thought it was pretty crappy, too.

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Broken: Focus on Marriage seminar.

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